In general terms The Devilz Paradise views The Lifestyle as a broad term that encompasses many differing ways of life, and some of those refer to themselves as a "Lifestyle," and they would be correct. However, at their core, they all have one thing in common. It is a means to find others interested in exploring recreational social sex between consenting adults. This can include Swingers (most commonly consisting of male/female couples meeting other male/female couples for sex), a male/female couple seeking either a single male or female to become part of a ménage à trois (threesome), and could also include homosexual, bisexual, and perhaps even heterosexual singles looking to explore their sexuality in a safe environment. Often times those involved seek ongoing friendships or simply look for a "quickie" on a quiet weekend trip.
The Lifestyle can take a variety of different forms. Although single women are generally welcome at swinging events, the degree to which single men are accepted varies from club to club. Although female bisexuality is generally accepted in the swinging community, the degree to which male bisexuality is accepted also varies from club to club. A single male looking to explore The Lifestyle has a long road ahead of him, because of all those who came before him. Although it is not an impossible road.
Lifestyle clubs can be "on-premises" (which means that one may interact sexually with others at that event) or "off-premises" (which means that one would generally go back to the home or hotel room of other couples for sex, after deciding to do so at the event).
Those in The Life style have traditionally been largely middle class and tend to blend in quite easily with the general public in terms of appearance and ideology. Although, they can be from all nationalities, genders, sexual preferences, and all walks of life.
People decide to look into The Lifestyle for a variety of different reasons. Many people find the thought of having sex with other people to be very arousing, and may find that by doing this becomes a catalyst for improving their own sex lives and relationship. Some people may feel stifled by repressive societal attitudes towards sexuality, and may welcome the opportunity to form friendships and a new social network with people of like mind. Others simply appreciate the relative open-mindedness and pleasure-positive with which the The Lifestyle community views open sexuality. Often times many people actually find that today's Lifestyle community is becoming a somewhat fertile place to meet folks with a variety of sexual interests. It is certainly true right now that the national swinging conventions tend to host seminars and workshops on a variety of sexual topics, which seems at least somewhat indicative of broadening perspectives in the community.
Some women may find The Lifestyle community to be a welcome dose of sanity. Our culture can be quite cruel to women who have an active interest in sex, often derisively labeling them "sluts" - a term which stands in sharp contrast to the less derogatory term for men, "studs." The Lifestyle community is a good place for women to initially explore sexual encounters/ desires with other women, and this sometimes plays a role in couples choosing to seek it out.
Some people end up learning quite a bit about themselves and their sexualities through The Lifestyle. Some folks find that having their partner actively enjoy and appreciate what they are experiencing during sex to be a tremendous turn-on, and many also learn that they too are turned on by their partner experiencing sexual encounters outside their relationship as well. The Lifestyle can be an opportunity to learn, to relax, and appreciate sexual pleasure, and may help one view sex more as a source of pleasure and intimacy.
Although this may vary slightly from club to club, in general The Lifestyle community is quite accepting of a variety of body types, sizes, ages, and shapes. Additionally, many on-premises events provide an opportunity to dress sexily or go completely nude, which can be a fun and sensual experience in and of itself.
It is best for you and your partner to choose a club or group that fits the what you are looking for. This may take some time and effort, but will pay off in the end!
If you are uncomfortable with people being sexually attracted to you and/or flirting with you, then you might be uncomfortable at Lifestyle events; similarly, if your relationship with your partner is on shaky ground, you might find seeing him or her flirt or be flirted with to be an uncomfortable experience. Being in the Lifestyle should never, ever be used as a tool to "save" a marriage!! If either of you have hidden agendas concerning finding a permanent "replacement" for each other, you're probably in for a major emotional disaster. If you and your partner cannot communicate directly about relationships and sex, you're probably eventually in for a similarly-sized disaster. In general, sex can provoke strong feelings along with its many pleasures; if you aren't comfortable dealing with emotions, then perhaps it might be better to wait a little while before exploring The Lifestyle. If you are uncomfortable with people being sexually attracted to your partner and/ or flirting with them, then you may want to discuss some limits with your partner, or consider not entering The Lifestyle at all. Jealousy, has no place in The Lifestyle!
If you have a phobia against bi or gay men and women, then you should find clubs that generally cater to straight couples. Many clubs welcome bi, gay, and straight members. With this in mind you would not find it unusual to see members of the same gender engaged in intimate relations.
If you are a single male, you might actually be better off waiting until you are in a suitable relationship before attempting to become active The Lifestyle - most clubs allow few if any single men to attend their events.
Some General Rules of "Thumb"
In the context of Lifestyle, "couples" need not be married. They should, however, have at least a little history together and familiarity with each others' emotional needs, and be comfortable approaching others as a "couple." The general rule of thumb is that The Lifestyle works best when couples view The Lifestyle as an enhancement to their existing sexual relationship, rather than as a replacement for a failing one. Joining The Lifestyle rarely, if ever, saves a failing relationship.
As one would expect, good communication is critical for being in The Lifestyle. There are many, many different forms that The Lifestyle may take, and whichever one you choose is fine as long as you and your partner are clear about what you are doing and why. Sex has the potential to be an emotionally-charged area, and the pleasures that may be found in The Lifestyle can generally be reached only when both partners are sensitive to each others' needs, and put their partner's comfort first. From a more pragmatic point of view, there will always be another party, another personal ad, another dance, another convention; there may not be another chance to salvage an exploration into The Lifestyle if one partner becomes overwhelmed in "the garden of delights" and forgets to treat his or her primary partner with sensitivity and respect.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Before coming to a Lifestyle event, joining a group, or even seeking out others in The Lifestyle. You and your partner should discuss openly honestly what you feel comfortable with each of you doing. Many call these "ground rules." You must be clear and concise to meet any expected situation from kissing and flirting, to separate (or same room) sexual encounters, to utilization of safe sex. Failing to do this before entering into an encounter of any sort (be it a party, meeting others, or merely writing a personal ad) could have disastrous results. Others who go to Lifestyle events go there to have a good time, not play referee between you and your partner; or worse yet be caught in the middle of a couple's squabble. Take time to discuss what you want, what your partner wants, and if there are any disagreements work them out before the encounter, not during!
It's important to keep in mind that a Lifestyle event is primarily a social activity. The ordinary social customs of meeting people and initiating a conversation are really not that different than at any other type of social gathering, and the process by which acquaintances become close friends is not that different either. The key social traits that tend to be appreciated in The Lifestyle community are responsibility, friendliness, flirtatiousness, open-mindedness, and most importantly stability with regard to one's primary relationship. The worse thing you can do is strike up a conversation with someone, and totally ignore their partner!
As is the case with almost all human social endeavors, if you already know people in a particular community you'll probably be happier if you attend your first few events with these people so they can introduce you to others. Waiting a little while and watching how others behave is also a good idea, as it is in almost any new social situation. Common courtesy, of course, is as welcome in The Lifestyle community as it is in any other community; we're all just people, after all.
No one enjoys a drama king or queen; if you have an issue or a problem discuss it with the host/ hostess of the event, or leave quietly, don't make a scene. Many people in the lifestyle know each other, and if you make a scene at one event, you may not be welcomed to many other events!
Within the Lifestyle there are several different styles of encounters which you may see. Some people may prefer not to be around when their partner is having sex with someone else ("closed swinging"), while others may insist on it ("open swinging"). The term "soft swinging" refers to trading partners just for the purposes of heavy petting and then switching back to one's primary partner for any actual sex. It might be valuable for you to think about whether there are any potential situations that you feel you would be more or less comfortable in, and discuss these with your partner.
Although not all couples find it necessary to do this, some couples feel more comfortable having social "codes" that only the two of them know. Examples might be discreet phrases or gestures which mean
a) one of you is attracted to the people or person he or she is talking to
and wants to know if you are interested in swinging with them,
b) a reply to the above, either affirmatively or negatively, and
c) one of you is not having a good time and wants to get away from things for
a while.
At off-premises events such as dances, it's common for people to dress up or else wear fairly sexy clothing. Dress at on-premises events tends to be more casual, since nudity is a common outcome of the evening for many. At on-premises clubs it's a good idea to bring something like a robe so you don't have to put all your clothes back on after sex, and to avoid wearing lots of jewelry that might get lost. If there's a dress theme for a particular event, go with the theme.
By the way, it is not necessary to actually have sex with other people to have a good time in The Lifestyle community. Off-premises activities such as dances can provide a wonderful opportunity to flirt and be flirted with in a non-threatening yet sexually-charged atmosphere, which can be fun in and of itself. On-premises activities can provide an opportunity to appreciate the sights and sounds of sex as an enhancement to sex with your primary partner, whether you two decide to have sex at the party or after the party.
After leaving a Lifestyle event you should try to list the positives and negatives of the event. Also, try to think of things that you personally may have done to improve your own time, and your partner's time at the event. The best advice is never go to an event expecting or demanding a sexual encounter. As it was said before there will always be other dances, other events, and other parties. Have fun making friends, meeting new people, and reconnecting with old acquaintances; you never know those friends may want to get together some time. If a sexual encounter happens it's just icing on the cake!
It bears repeating again! Before coming to a Lifestyle event, joining a group, or even seeking out others in The Lifestyle. You and your partner should discuss openly honestly what you feel comfortable with each of you doing. Many call these "ground rules." You must be clear and concise to meet any expected situation from kissing and flirting, to separate (or same room) sexual encounters, to utilization of safe sex. Failing to do this before entering into an encounter of any sort (be it a party, meeting others, or merely writing a personal ad) could have disastrous results. Others who go to Lifestyle events go there to have a good time, not play referee between you and your partner; or worse yet be caught in the middle of a couple's squabble. Take time to discuss what you want, what your partner wants, and if there are any disagreements work them out before the encounter, not during!
Some Things To Keep In Mind
No guide can cover ALL the necessary details for couples to discuss. However, if you ask any couple that has been in the lifestyle for good amount of time they will tell you that many of the things they used to have as "ground rules" have since become a thing of the past. On the other-hand some rules are still in effect. It is always best to start more stringent, and as you grow more comfortable opt to amend or discard those things you no longer feel uncomfortable about, and retain those things you still feel bear importance. As a general rule of thumb go with what the less enthusiastic partner feels comfortable with, and as their comfort level grows begin incorporating new things. This may seem contrary to the "couple" feel of The Lifestyle, but it is not. Everyone grows into things at their own pace. Remember the first time you drove a car? Now consider how you drive down the highway today. Is there a large difference? Forcing a less enthusiastic partner into something they are not comfortable with will quickly end your Lifestyle endeavors. On the other-hand, the less enthusiastic partner should always keep the feelings of the more enthusiastic partner in mind. They should do their best to work through their feelings to see what is causing the issues with comfort, and at least work on trying new things. Having the more enthusiastic partner waiting for years to make changes can also lead to resentment.
There are many different opinions about jealousy, aka "The Green-Eyed Monster."
An interesting dynamic can sometimes arise in couples new to The Lifestyle, a dynamic which has inspired the community adage that "the more enthusiastic member of a couple will get the couple into swinging, but the less enthusiastic partner will keep them there." As Carol Queen puts it in Exhibitionism for the Shy,
"The swing community has noticed another prevalent dynamic in couples where one partner, more often than not the man, has more enthusiasm than the other. He has had terrific fantasies about freewheeling sex and plenty of it, and he finally convinces his initially reluctant partner to give swinging a try. When they get to the party, she has a great time and is high demand, while he thinks the party's a dud... Before you pack up your sexy outfit and fistful of condoms, take some time to consider and negotiate how you will deal with the chagrin of the less popular partner if such a dismaying event happens to you."
In other words, some jealousy may spring from insecurity: if I'm worried that I'm not valuable enough to keep my primary partner's interest and love, or that fewer people will be interested in playing with me than with my primary partner, I may be more apt to get jealous. For the latter case, some of these fears may be alleviated by choosing, at least initially, to only have encounters together as a couple; this way neither partner can be left out.
Sometimes jealousy may spring from feelings of scarcity rather than feelings of insecurity: the fear is that "there's only so much love and so much pleasure and so much intimacy to go around." With this in mind, I'd like to quote from the NASCA Guide to Swinging,
"The Myth of the Scarcity of Love is the popular belief that 'love is scarce,' which encourages hoarding. Hoarding, in turn, created the very scarcity that was feared to begin with. The myth's premises are that each of us has a very limited amount of love to give, spend, or sell; that if this is divided among several people, each will get less; that love can be saved; and that in order to be valuable, true love must be exclusive."
To end this section on a more practical note, many couples find that the secrets to dealing with jealousy tend to revolve around good communication, keeping agreements, reassuring each other as to your love and commitment before and after playing with someone new, and listening to each other's emotional concerns and taking them seriously whenever they arise. If jealousy becomes an issue for you and your partner, you might try working on some or all of these things.
Jealousy can also rear its ugly head not just between partners but also one could become jealous of others in The Lifestyle. When others seem more active than someone else there is a tenancy to be envious of that person, or couple. As was mentioned before, and it bears keeping in mind in this situation; there will always be other events, other parties, other encounters. After all this isn't a competition, or a high school dating scene. Remember what you joined The Lifestyle for, it was to establish friendships, explore your adventurous side, and explore recreational social sex between consenting adults. Perhaps you and your partner aren't actively involved in encounters for reasons other than the fact the other people are being chased around like rock stars. Consider what you are doing right and wrong. Are you coming across too forceful? Do you dress like you just went to a Hobo reunion at every event? Do you spend more time complaining than partying? If you and your partner can't answer these questions, ask other members of your club or group. If you ask for an honest opinion most will be happy to oblige you. One final note, there will be times where you will go home "empty handed." After all there is always dry spells for everyone. You should take the opportunities like this to just relax and enjoy the party or event! Having an encounter is great, but even greater yet is meeting new people and having a good time.
At off-premise events such as dances, it's common for people to dress up or wear fairly sexy clothing. If it's a theme party, then try to follow the theme. Most events have some kind of dress code. When in doubt "Dress To Impress!"
Dress at on-premise events tends to be more casual, since nudity is a common outcome of the evening for many. It's a good idea to bring a robe or kimono so you don't have to put all your clothes back on after getting undressed. It's also good to avoid small or expensive jewelry that might get lost.
Off-Premise events as opposed to On-Premise events are usually held in a more public setting, like a Hotel Ball Room, Clubhouse, or other public locale. Usually people will opt to engage in encounters after or during the event and at a location different from the place where the event is being held. Below are some things to consider when planning to attend an Off-Premise Event:
Often times Off-Premise parties will host After Party events, or people will "room-hop" from room to room sharing a few laughs, a few drinks, and often times sexual encounters. These After Parties most often times reflect On-Premise Parties, and the following tips will apply to bother types of events:
The Lifestyle can be a wonderful way to explore your sexuality and meet like minded people. If done correctly, it can enhance a relationship in many ways. Like anything in life, if it is gone into with the wrong expectations or unrealistic expectations the results can be disasterous. Knowledge is power, be knowledge and be empowered with the right way to enjoy The Lifestyle.
Information here in was utilized from the web site http://www.sexuality.org/mgswing.html and altered to reflect information more concurrent with the policies and acitivties of the The Devilz Paradise Yahoo Group.